Happy Birthday Glennie

It is a little past midnight on September 16. I know that I will be thinking of Glennie constantly today. I keep thinking about how he would be 6 years old today. It is so easy to fall into the trap....the trap of "If only he were alive today...." Yet I know that he was never meant to live to be 6, or even 2. He was born to us on September 16, 2002, as he was supposed to be, as he was meant to be by God. As devastating as it was to watch him live with this disease, and in essence, watch him die, it was God's plan all along. I remember when Glennie was first diagnosed, I couldn't stop thinking about how he would look at a toy and never be able to reach out and play with it. I always wondered if he longed to reach out and grab it but couldn't, or if his limitations were normal to him and he believed the toy was just something to look at. That was one of those "if only's." "If only he were normal and we could watch him grow and develop and play like a normal baby." If only we could be able to watch him learn how to sit up, then stand, and later celebrate his first steps. If only Spinal Muscular Atrophy weren't going to rob our son of all these perfectly normal, exciting new moments in a child's life. If only he would get old enough for us to send him off to his first day of kidnergarten, or to play with friends and toys, or to grow up into a handsome man and get married and have a family of his own. I remember thinking of all these things when he was diagnosed.

Then I came to realize that none of this was ever meant to happen. Glennie was born with a special purpose all his own in a body that would fail him. In a body with muscles that would deteriorate and would leave him mostly unable to move and swallow and struggling to breathe. I have heard of people with sick children being angry with God, not being able to comprehend why their children are so sick and being taken away from them. I know we don't fully comprehend it either, and someday I hope that I am able to know all that was accomplished through Glennie's life. I already do know that he taught us tremendous things about love, faith, hope, patience, and strength. I know that good things were accomplished through Glennie, even though the story of his life was accompanied by so much despair and grief. I will always have faith in the good things that came out of Glennie's short, difficult life; those things that are known and those that are unknown. I will always have faith that he was created just as he was for very special reasons.

I remember the day that he died. I remember being in the waiting room at the Emergency Room with Keva, the social worker, waiting with me and praying with me while Glenn and his parents rushed to the hospital. I remember silently, privately, offering up a prayer to God that he wouldn't let Glennie be scared, and that he would take away Glennie's pain. I know Glennie isn't scared right now, and I know that he has not felt any pain since that day. I also know that we think about him every single day, and miss him more than words could ever express, every single day. And even though I know he was never meant to live past the age of 20 months, I always think about what he would be like if he were alive today, what he would look like. I guess it can't be helped.

All in all, this day isn't about Glennie's death, but about his birth, and about celebrating his life, even though he is not here with us. To my Glennie: Happy Birthday to my precious oldest boy, my warrior who amazed us every day you were with us, and still do every day. To my boy who always had a sparkle in his great big, bright, beautiful blue eyes, and now I know they have so much more to sparkle about.

I know some of you reading this may find this surprising, but I have not set foot in a Starbucks for at least a few weeks now. Why, you ask? No, it's not because I'm jumping on the corporate-greed bandwagon, or even the burnt-coffee-taste bandwagon. After going to Starbucks nearly every day for about 5 years, it hit me one day that I was just sick of drinking the same drinks. I needed a different taste. So, for anyone that has a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf nearby, they have quite possibly the best drink ever made, a White Chocolate Dream Ice Blended. It's basically a white chocolate blended coffee drink, with swirls of chocolate syrup throughout. I have had one every single day for about 2 weeks, since my discovery of it, and I don't know if I can live without it. I'm sure I will get sick of it someday, and then get something else every day until I get sick of that, and so on and so on. But for now, I need it. I have a problem.

Episode 24 by Glenn Sinclair

Ok, I know I'm not a Marine wife, but I just had to post this one cause i didn't believe Amanda would do it justice. Does everyone remember the Cosby Show episode where Cliff got a new Juicer? Well inevitably, the youngest child, Rudy, get's into the juicer trying to make jelly for her sandwich. She puts the grapes into the juicer and grape juice starts flying out the top of the juicer and Rudy and her friend run away. Well, later on in the episode, Cliff gives Rudy her punishment for the juicer incident, and you think the show is over. But no, Claire brings up an excellent point. "Who was it that left the juicer plugged in for the child to get into it?" she says. Of course, it was her husband. Well, as the boy walked into my room this morning to tell me the story of the powder, and when i asked him why he's not telling his mother, "cause Mom will yell at me". I assured him that his mother would not yell at him, and that he needed to go tell his mother. Then afterwards asked my dear wife what is so hard abot putting the powder away? So, like Cliff in the juicer episode of the Cosby Show, Amanda, I find you guilty of contributing to the delinquency of a 3 year old.

Ok, so I still haven't posted photos of our trip to Oregon. I promise, I will get to it. I just wanted to post this little story before I go to bed.

Tonight, I signed onto my transcription platform to start working as Glenn took Jeff in to brush his teeth and then go to bed. Jeff came into the office to give me a hug and a kiss goodnight, and then Glenn tucked him into bed and went downstairs to watch TV. After about 5 minutes, I thought I heard Jeff cry out or say something, so I removed my headphones to get a better listen. I heard nothing except the TV downstairs, so I figured that is what I had heard. After debating for several seconds, I decided to go check in on Jeff anyway. I went into his room and asked if he was ok, and he said yes. I turned to leave when I heard him quietly say something. I went and knelt by the side of his little toddler bed to hear what he had to say and noticed he was looking up at the ceiling. He kept pointing at something "up there." I asked him what was up there, and he said, "He's dead." I wasn't sure if that is actually what I had heard Jeff say, so I asked him again what he was looking at up by the ceiling. Again, Jeff replied, "He's dead." I began to get a little freaked out but pressed for more information. I looked up at the ceiling and the only thing there was an AC vent. I said, "Who's dead?" I thought that he replied, "The guy." I asked him again, because I couldn't believe what I was hearing and was becoming increasingly spooked thinking my 3 year old was seeing dead people or something. This time he said something that sounded like "Elmo." "Elmo's dead?" I asked? "No," Jeff replied, still looking up at the ceiling and waving his little finger in the air. By now I got up and headed downstairs to get Glenn, because it was all getting way to creepy. Maybe Glenn could get some answers. Glenn came up and knelt by Jeff's bed and asked him what was going on, and Jeff told us once again that "He' dead." "Who is dead?" asked my DH. "The animal," said Jeff. At that point, it began to click. "What animal?" we asked. "The tiger." This whole time that I was getting freaked out, wondering if my toddler had a special power to see corpses a la Sixth Sense, and here he is talking about World of Warcraft, which he watches Glenn play somtimes. In the game, Glenn's character can morph into a big cat and kill creatures, and can also get "killed" himself. I know I am old enough and smart enought to know that you probably won't see a dead person floating around your bedroom ceiling, but it still is a little disconcerting to hear your kid talking about something dead in the sky and watching it and following it with his finger. As I type this, I am still jumping at every little noise (sissy), so I think it's time to go to bed. It's extremely late, and it's dark, ok. I don't need to be thinking about freaky movies.

Trip to OR and WA

We went to Oregon to visit Glenn's sister and her family, and then drove from there to Seattle for my sister's wedding. The Oregon coast was beautiful, and we had a good time visiting Becky and Thane and the boys. Jeff had a fabulous time with the boys. Seattle was beautiful too, and I am still kicking myself for not bringing my camera with me on the ferry from Seattle to Bainbridge Island. It was a great few from the bay of the whole city of Seattle. When we got to the wedding reception, Jeff could hardly stop dancing. He did stop for a little while, but only to run around with the cute little girls as they wrapped the decorative ribbons from the tables around various wedding guests, including Glenn. He sure had a good time dancing with the ladies that night. I think we are in trouble with that kid. Here are some pics from the wedding, tomorrow I will post some Oregon pics.

Haven't blogged in a while, so I guess while I am taking a break from working, I will catch up. Actually, there is no work in my primary account right now, and only stat reports in my secondary. I am not supposed to do stat reports unless it is during business hours(which it is not, since it is 11:33 pm), soooooo....I am waiting a bit for some more reports to pop up.

I love this job. I really do. I like that I can work after the boys go to bed. I like that I was able to choose how many hours a day to work and which days, and that I can put in those hours at anytime during the day. I find that being an MT is very interesting and challenging as well. Even though I am pretty much making peanuts right now (I have worked about 2 hours tonight and done about 28 lines due to the fact that it was an ESL doctor), and I have made about $2 tonight. It's ok though, because I know I will get faster and learn more as I go along. I just wish I had some money for a good text expander. The only thing I have a hard time with while doing this job is the fact that I make mistakes. I know making mistakes is a given for any new MT, but I have always had a hard time with doing new things which I am not perfect at. I always think about how after Glenn and I met, he tried to teach me to drive stick shift with his truck. It wasn't long before I gave up, because I was getting so upset that it was so hard. Honestly though, I feel that driving a car should be easy, and you can't get easier than automatic, so there you go. You just put the car in Drive, hit the pedal, and go; there is no need to keep switching gears all the time. I also hated using that other pedal when I was trying to drive stick. What a pain in the rear end. All you need is a gas pedal and a brake pedal and that's it, as far as I'm concerened, and I am happy to leave the stick-shift driving to Glenn.

Anyway, on a different note, I took some funny pictures of Jeff while we were all watching American Gladiators tonight, and I will post them soon. That kid is a riot. He really likes to watch American Gladiators when it is on, and one of his other favorite non-cartoon shows is America's Funniest Home Videos. After every video, he will say, "Mom, what happened??" And (most of the time) I say, "He/She fell down." As Glenn said once, it always "somebody falling down or somebody getting hit in the junk."

Funnies

It is just hilarious listening to the things that come out of my 3-year-old's mouth sometimes. For instance, one thing I love to ask him about is how he plays "Frumpin." Out of the blue one day he told us how he played this game, Frumpin. It seems to me that he plays it when I take him to Glenn's softball games. He will jump around on the bleachers, and when I ask him what he is doing, he responds, "I'm playin' frumpin." I also ask him continually throughout the day how he plays frumpin, and he always says, "I play frumpin....." and then begins to speak in gibberish, the exact same phrase each time. I really have to wonder if it makes sense to him or if it is just gibberish to him. I cannot even explain how funny I think it is when he tells me how he plays Frumpin.

Tonight, we were flicking through the channels on TV, and my husband found Star Wars. He quickly changed it, as it was about Jeff's bedtime and we knew that if Jeff knew it was on that he would want to watch it. Even though Luke Skywalker was on the tube for about 2 seconds before Glenn changed the channel, Jeff immediately said in a borderline whiny voice, "I want to watch Star Wars!" I told him it was over and that he needed to go to bed soon, and then Glenn engaged Jeff in a conversation about the movie. He asked Jeff what his favorite movie was, and Jeff replied, "My favorite movie is Star Whores." After we laughed for a bit, we tried to get Jeff to say "wars" and "war" and he succeeded at it once, but went right back to calling it "Star Whores."