I love this picture because it is just Glenn and Jeff relaxing at home.

It seems few and far between that I blog anymore. I guess I feel that there are only so many times and so many ways that you can say that you truly miss somebody. Right now I think about what it will be like to have our own home again being able to make meals for my family, and to watch The Cosby Show with Glenn at night, like we used to. I look forward to having Glenn brush our Jeffrey's teeth again, because I am certainly no good at it. Right now I can only imagine how strange it will be to have him here again, although I have read that once they are back it's almost like they were never gone. I look forward to renting movies from time to time, going to Starbucks on lazy Saturdays, and to hearing his Jeep pulling into the drive at the end of the day. Although we have less than 3 months left, it still seems like it's going to be so long until he is back. I told him today that although I am no fan of the show "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air," I flick by it from time to time on the TV and wish he were here to watch it again. It used to drive me nuts when he would watch it in bed because, in my opinion, there are plenty of better shows on to watch, but I will definitely settle for it now. I will settle for him watching Sports Center.

Here are my beautiful boys! Who could ask for anything more?

This is going to sound cheesy, but I realized today that there is not much beauty in things since Glenn has been gone. There are still things that I like, like walking by the creek here in town with it's calm, snowy white banks, but there is just something missing. Maybe it's just that today was kind of a difficult day with the boys, so it's possible that I was just more down than usual.

On a funny note, I have to write this story because it is too funny. I am staying at my in-laws house, and my room is a renovated conference room (they are caretakers of an old mansion that is the community center) with a door leading into the one bathroom in the apartment, which in turn leads into my in-laws bedroom. Almost every morning, my 2-year-old, Jeff, gets up and opens the door that leads into the bathroom, and my MIL puts on cartoons for him while she gets ready for work. This morning, I was dreaming that Jeff opened the door in the dark of the early morning to go see Grandma. I only realized it wasn't a dream when I heard my FIL talking. Apparently, Jeff opened the door, walked into my in-laws bedroom, and said, "Hi, Granddad!" then proceeded to walk out into the living room. He turned around and came back, where my FIL aid, "Go to bed, Jeff." He came back into our bedroom and said, "Mom, wanna turn ona TV." I said no, that it was still sleepytime, and he crawled back into bed and was out as soon as his head hit the pillow, no exaggeration. I wonder if he was sleepwalking? How strange!

3 Months

It has been 3 months since my Glenn left. We are just about half done with this deployment. Most of the time, it seems like it will be such a long time before he gets home, but I know my FIL is right when he says that 3 months is nothing. I guess time seems to be going pretty slowly lately; it seems like we have been stuck at the 3-month mark for a long time. However, I also know that when I go to message boards and read stories of wives whose husbands have left for 12 or 15 months, the relief that I am only a few months away from seeing my love is tremendous. I still can't, and maybe never will, fathom what it would be like to have Glenn away for a year or more. I hope I never have to find out.

I find that being able to see Glenn on the webcam, when he can get his hands on one, is really such a blessing, and there is nothing that makes me happier these days. Of course, there are other things that bring me great joy, like making our 6-month-old son laugh, or listening to (most of) the things our 2-year-old says these days or putting him to bed on the nights where, bless his heart, he is not screaming and crying from having his teeth brushed. But it is a different kind of joy than that which is manifested from being able to see their father and how he still looks the same, and seeing how he still smiles and laughs at the same old jokes I make.

What else can I say other than it's hard to wait for the day that he comes home? At this point I am once again unbelievably thankful that the wait is shorter rather than longer. However, that still doesn't make waiting easy, just a little easier.

Boy, I have been missing him more than ever for the past few days. I was doing ok for a while and staying optimistic, but it has been harder lately. It seems like it will be so long before I get to see him again and my family is back together again. The final inspection on our house was today, so it is good to finally have all the work at the house done. I feel like I can spend more time with both of my boys now. The next hurdle is Jack's surgery on Friday.

What else can I say? Every day is just ok at best. I will be so excited to look back on these posts right before he comes home and to be so glad that our separation is over. But still, I know that there are so many things to be thankful for about this deployment and I am always thankful for them, like the fact he is only gone 7 months.

I Will Be Here

I Will Be Here
by Steven Curtis Chapman

Tomorrow morning if you wake up

and the sun does not appear

I will be here

If in the dark, we lose sight of love

Hold my hand, and have no fear

'Cause I will be here



I will be here

When you feel like being quiet

When you need to speak your mind

I will listen

And I will be here

When the laughter turns to cryin'

Through the winning, losing and trying

We'll be together

I will be here



Tomorrow morning, if you wake up

And the future is unclear

I will be here

Just as sure as seasons were made for change

Our lifetimes were made for these years

So I will be here



I will be here

And you can cry on my shoulder

When the mirror tells us we're older

I will hold you

And I will be here

To watch you grow in beauty

And tell you all the things you are to me

I will be here



I will be true to the promise I have made

To you and to the One who gave you to me



Tomorrow morning, if you wake up

And the sun does not appear

I will be here

Oh, I will be here.

I guess I am a little spoiled. Over the past few weeks, I have gotten used to chatting with Glenn via instant messenger almost every morning, and then "chatting" via e-mail in the evening after he got to work. He just started training for his new job, and I have not heard from him since yesterday morning. I have been a bit stressed today, wondering if he is ok. Tonight I realized that I really shouldn't be worried, though I guess it is natural to worry when your husband is fighting a war. I also kept thinking about how I shouldn't be worried, that just because I haven't heard from him today doesn't mean he is not okay. I know he is training for a big job, and that he most definitely does not have as much time to call or write as much as he did before. I know that what he is doing there is vital, and that he will call or write when his training and eating and sleeping schedules allow. Yes, I am spoiled, especially when I take into consideration that there are many spouses who only get to communicate with their other half maybe once a week or once a month. I guess no matter who you are or how often you get to communicate with your deployed loved one, it still is not enough, because you are uesd to them being here.

One thing that I know for sure right now is that I think a lot about the day he will return; what it will be like, what I will be wearing, how the boys will be different, and, mostly, how overjoyed I will be to finally see him again. I'm pretty sure "overjoyed" is an understatement.

I took a walk tonight. It was the same route I took more than 6 years ago to meet Glenn.

It was around the beginning of October 2000. I had been chatting online with a guy, a guy who certainly seemed obnoxious and possessed a loud personality. We had been typing back and forth for a few days (if I remember correctly), and this time he asked me to meet him in person. I said no. He kept asking, and I kept saying no, until finally I said yes, mostly to get him off my back. I don't think I was necessarily planning to go meet him; I was just relieved that I got him to quit bugging me. We agreed to meet outside the gate of the gated community where I lived with my parents. No way was I going to let some guy who might turn out to be a creep-o come to my door and know where I live. I would meet him at the gate where there was a security guard on duty, so that if anything happened someone else would be there.

The time came, and at 10 o' clock at night I stepped outside and began to walk towards the front gate. At least twice, I stopped and turned towards the street on my right, fully intending to turn around and go home. I figured that I didn't need this pushy, obnoxious-sounding jerk who would be waiting outside the gate. But, for some reason, I didn't turn around but rather kept walking toward the gate. As I approached, I saw a red Toyota Tacoma, with Glenn leaning against the side, waiting for me. He was cute, but every bit obnoxious as he sounded in chat. We took a little walk along the sidewalk, which frames the golf course on which my parents live, and talked. Before we parted that night, standing back at his truck, he asked for a goodnight kiss. I said no. After all, I had only known him for about a half an hour. He kept asking, and I kept saying no, but I did agree to a date. Two nights later, we went out to the beach here at La Jolla, where he asked me to be his girlfriend. Can you guess what I said? That's right, I said no. But this time, he got his kiss.

Of course, eventually I said yes to being his girlfriend. And eventually, he stopped being so obnoxious and revealed the nice and sweet guy that he is.

So tonight, I walked down that same sidewalk I walked down that California autumn night. I thought about when I almost turned around. As I approached the gate tonight, I remembered what it was like seeing Glenn waiting by his red truck. I remember walking and talking with him.

I am glad that I went that night. I am glad that I decided to not turn around but to keep going. If I had turned around and gone back home, it would have been the biggest mistake of my life. There are no words that I can think of that can say how very happy I am that I took the path that I did.

After my chat today with Glenn over IM, I feel much more uplifted. We talked about finding a house as soon as he gets home and before we go on leave, and we discussed what other plans we are going to make when he returns and when we go on leave. I know that that time is still a long way away, but it made me realize even more that it is coming, no matter how much time we still have left between now and then.

It also made me realize that we are making the right decision about moving (at least I'm pretty sure). I also think that part of the reason I feel better today is because in the next few days I am moving into my parents house here, and I think that I will be busier and less stressed out, especially when I don't have a home that needs taking care of. I will also be living closer to my best friend. I have been a lot more impatient lately with my 2-year-old, and that's not something that I like. If anything, I think this move will be better for him than staying here with a stressed out, sad mom who looks around this house and sees reminders of her husband everywhere. Reminders like his computer which hasn't been touched and clothes and shoes that haven't been worn. While in the garage the other day, I noticed his bat bag that he brings to his softball games, and it was just a reminder that he wouldn't be using it for a long time.

Lately, I haven't been able to decide whether I am happy or sad about moving. I think that I am happy.

Back to packing.

House & Home

I realized something tonight while I was feeding our youngest boy, Jack. I was wondering how I am going to feel a few weeks and a few months from now when we don't have a home anymore. I was thinking about how I would probably be feeling nervous about not having a home of our home when Glenn gets back from Iraq. It was then that it came to me that I don't need an actual house to have a home. My home lies in 3 people, my man and my 2 boys. As long as I have them, everything is alright.

6 weeks

What a slow afternoon. I thought packing the house up and getting ready to move was supposed to make the time fly by, but I guess not.

I sorted out my husband's dresser today, and although it kind of made me sad, it was also nice because I knew that he will be coming back to wear all the clothes that he left behind. I even packed some to put in a suitcase to take with me so that we don't have to go digging in storage when he gets back. In a way, I felt like I was preparing for his return, and it felt nice.

I have also been thinking about the next 6 weeks and how it will probably be difficult, considering I am ready for a change for a while. Even though there are people here whom I love and appreciate more than they could know and who I know I can depend on for anything, it is just not the same without Glenn, and like I have said before, it does not really feel like home anymore without him here. Straight up, it is just hard to be without your other half. Going to NJ will hopefully feel a little like a vacation, and I could sure use one right now.

As much as I want to go, I know that being here for the next 6 weeks is important. I know that when I finally get to where I am going, I will look at my precious 3rd-born sons face, with his repaired cleft lip, and know that it was all worth it and know that I wouldn't have done anything different.

Anyway, back to packing. Hopefully the time wiil go by a little faster this time

I have been thinking a lot lately about how absence makes the heart grow fonder. When I look around nowadays and see other couples together, I think of 2 things:

1. I am sad that Glenn is not here, and how I wish he could be here to talk to and to make jokes with.
2. I feel lucky that this deployment has made me realize how much I took for granted when he was here and how much I truly love him. It is easy to get into a routine and not think about these things and to put too much focus on other stuff when you are together all the time. Like me, and like everybody else on the planet, he did/does have some habits and preferences that were annoying to his spouse (sorry honey!), but right now I think that at least half of that stuff won't bother me so much anymore when he gets back. They are a part of him and I miss him right now.

"What I have with him is worth it.
It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing him, and the pain I feel from not having him close.
It is worth it because he is my one and only.
When I picture myself years from now, I see only him.
No matter how painful distance can be, not having him in my life would be worse." - Author Unknown

My thoughts exactly.

Wow, this throws me for a loop. If I go to NJ for more than a month, we will lose our house. Per military housing policy, both of us cannot be gone for more than 30 days or we have to move out. I know Glenn doesn't mind too much and was already willing before he left to move out and just look for a new place when he gets back. Unfortunately, I have already excitedly envisioned his homecoming and having him walk through the door to our house after 7 long months away from home. Although I don't really want to stay there while he is gone because it has no air conditioning and has been extremely hot lately and, most of all, the person who makes it most like a home is gone, I don't want to give it up. I quite like it when he is there. What a decision to make! Do I make it easier on myself during the time he is gone and then not have a house of our own when he returns, or tough it out in this hot, lonely house, yet keep it? Honestly, I don't want to be in this house right now, but I want it later.