Boy, I have been missing him more than ever for the past few days. I was doing ok for a while and staying optimistic, but it has been harder lately. It seems like it will be so long before I get to see him again and my family is back together again. The final inspection on our house was today, so it is good to finally have all the work at the house done. I feel like I can spend more time with both of my boys now. The next hurdle is Jack's surgery on Friday.

What else can I say? Every day is just ok at best. I will be so excited to look back on these posts right before he comes home and to be so glad that our separation is over. But still, I know that there are so many things to be thankful for about this deployment and I am always thankful for them, like the fact he is only gone 7 months.

I Will Be Here

I Will Be Here
by Steven Curtis Chapman

Tomorrow morning if you wake up

and the sun does not appear

I will be here

If in the dark, we lose sight of love

Hold my hand, and have no fear

'Cause I will be here



I will be here

When you feel like being quiet

When you need to speak your mind

I will listen

And I will be here

When the laughter turns to cryin'

Through the winning, losing and trying

We'll be together

I will be here



Tomorrow morning, if you wake up

And the future is unclear

I will be here

Just as sure as seasons were made for change

Our lifetimes were made for these years

So I will be here



I will be here

And you can cry on my shoulder

When the mirror tells us we're older

I will hold you

And I will be here

To watch you grow in beauty

And tell you all the things you are to me

I will be here



I will be true to the promise I have made

To you and to the One who gave you to me



Tomorrow morning, if you wake up

And the sun does not appear

I will be here

Oh, I will be here.

I guess I am a little spoiled. Over the past few weeks, I have gotten used to chatting with Glenn via instant messenger almost every morning, and then "chatting" via e-mail in the evening after he got to work. He just started training for his new job, and I have not heard from him since yesterday morning. I have been a bit stressed today, wondering if he is ok. Tonight I realized that I really shouldn't be worried, though I guess it is natural to worry when your husband is fighting a war. I also kept thinking about how I shouldn't be worried, that just because I haven't heard from him today doesn't mean he is not okay. I know he is training for a big job, and that he most definitely does not have as much time to call or write as much as he did before. I know that what he is doing there is vital, and that he will call or write when his training and eating and sleeping schedules allow. Yes, I am spoiled, especially when I take into consideration that there are many spouses who only get to communicate with their other half maybe once a week or once a month. I guess no matter who you are or how often you get to communicate with your deployed loved one, it still is not enough, because you are uesd to them being here.

One thing that I know for sure right now is that I think a lot about the day he will return; what it will be like, what I will be wearing, how the boys will be different, and, mostly, how overjoyed I will be to finally see him again. I'm pretty sure "overjoyed" is an understatement.

I took a walk tonight. It was the same route I took more than 6 years ago to meet Glenn.

It was around the beginning of October 2000. I had been chatting online with a guy, a guy who certainly seemed obnoxious and possessed a loud personality. We had been typing back and forth for a few days (if I remember correctly), and this time he asked me to meet him in person. I said no. He kept asking, and I kept saying no, until finally I said yes, mostly to get him off my back. I don't think I was necessarily planning to go meet him; I was just relieved that I got him to quit bugging me. We agreed to meet outside the gate of the gated community where I lived with my parents. No way was I going to let some guy who might turn out to be a creep-o come to my door and know where I live. I would meet him at the gate where there was a security guard on duty, so that if anything happened someone else would be there.

The time came, and at 10 o' clock at night I stepped outside and began to walk towards the front gate. At least twice, I stopped and turned towards the street on my right, fully intending to turn around and go home. I figured that I didn't need this pushy, obnoxious-sounding jerk who would be waiting outside the gate. But, for some reason, I didn't turn around but rather kept walking toward the gate. As I approached, I saw a red Toyota Tacoma, with Glenn leaning against the side, waiting for me. He was cute, but every bit obnoxious as he sounded in chat. We took a little walk along the sidewalk, which frames the golf course on which my parents live, and talked. Before we parted that night, standing back at his truck, he asked for a goodnight kiss. I said no. After all, I had only known him for about a half an hour. He kept asking, and I kept saying no, but I did agree to a date. Two nights later, we went out to the beach here at La Jolla, where he asked me to be his girlfriend. Can you guess what I said? That's right, I said no. But this time, he got his kiss.

Of course, eventually I said yes to being his girlfriend. And eventually, he stopped being so obnoxious and revealed the nice and sweet guy that he is.

So tonight, I walked down that same sidewalk I walked down that California autumn night. I thought about when I almost turned around. As I approached the gate tonight, I remembered what it was like seeing Glenn waiting by his red truck. I remember walking and talking with him.

I am glad that I went that night. I am glad that I decided to not turn around but to keep going. If I had turned around and gone back home, it would have been the biggest mistake of my life. There are no words that I can think of that can say how very happy I am that I took the path that I did.

After my chat today with Glenn over IM, I feel much more uplifted. We talked about finding a house as soon as he gets home and before we go on leave, and we discussed what other plans we are going to make when he returns and when we go on leave. I know that that time is still a long way away, but it made me realize even more that it is coming, no matter how much time we still have left between now and then.

It also made me realize that we are making the right decision about moving (at least I'm pretty sure). I also think that part of the reason I feel better today is because in the next few days I am moving into my parents house here, and I think that I will be busier and less stressed out, especially when I don't have a home that needs taking care of. I will also be living closer to my best friend. I have been a lot more impatient lately with my 2-year-old, and that's not something that I like. If anything, I think this move will be better for him than staying here with a stressed out, sad mom who looks around this house and sees reminders of her husband everywhere. Reminders like his computer which hasn't been touched and clothes and shoes that haven't been worn. While in the garage the other day, I noticed his bat bag that he brings to his softball games, and it was just a reminder that he wouldn't be using it for a long time.

Lately, I haven't been able to decide whether I am happy or sad about moving. I think that I am happy.

Back to packing.

House & Home

I realized something tonight while I was feeding our youngest boy, Jack. I was wondering how I am going to feel a few weeks and a few months from now when we don't have a home anymore. I was thinking about how I would probably be feeling nervous about not having a home of our home when Glenn gets back from Iraq. It was then that it came to me that I don't need an actual house to have a home. My home lies in 3 people, my man and my 2 boys. As long as I have them, everything is alright.

6 weeks

What a slow afternoon. I thought packing the house up and getting ready to move was supposed to make the time fly by, but I guess not.

I sorted out my husband's dresser today, and although it kind of made me sad, it was also nice because I knew that he will be coming back to wear all the clothes that he left behind. I even packed some to put in a suitcase to take with me so that we don't have to go digging in storage when he gets back. In a way, I felt like I was preparing for his return, and it felt nice.

I have also been thinking about the next 6 weeks and how it will probably be difficult, considering I am ready for a change for a while. Even though there are people here whom I love and appreciate more than they could know and who I know I can depend on for anything, it is just not the same without Glenn, and like I have said before, it does not really feel like home anymore without him here. Straight up, it is just hard to be without your other half. Going to NJ will hopefully feel a little like a vacation, and I could sure use one right now.

As much as I want to go, I know that being here for the next 6 weeks is important. I know that when I finally get to where I am going, I will look at my precious 3rd-born sons face, with his repaired cleft lip, and know that it was all worth it and know that I wouldn't have done anything different.

Anyway, back to packing. Hopefully the time wiil go by a little faster this time

I have been thinking a lot lately about how absence makes the heart grow fonder. When I look around nowadays and see other couples together, I think of 2 things:

1. I am sad that Glenn is not here, and how I wish he could be here to talk to and to make jokes with.
2. I feel lucky that this deployment has made me realize how much I took for granted when he was here and how much I truly love him. It is easy to get into a routine and not think about these things and to put too much focus on other stuff when you are together all the time. Like me, and like everybody else on the planet, he did/does have some habits and preferences that were annoying to his spouse (sorry honey!), but right now I think that at least half of that stuff won't bother me so much anymore when he gets back. They are a part of him and I miss him right now.

"What I have with him is worth it.
It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing him, and the pain I feel from not having him close.
It is worth it because he is my one and only.
When I picture myself years from now, I see only him.
No matter how painful distance can be, not having him in my life would be worse." - Author Unknown

My thoughts exactly.

Wow, this throws me for a loop. If I go to NJ for more than a month, we will lose our house. Per military housing policy, both of us cannot be gone for more than 30 days or we have to move out. I know Glenn doesn't mind too much and was already willing before he left to move out and just look for a new place when he gets back. Unfortunately, I have already excitedly envisioned his homecoming and having him walk through the door to our house after 7 long months away from home. Although I don't really want to stay there while he is gone because it has no air conditioning and has been extremely hot lately and, most of all, the person who makes it most like a home is gone, I don't want to give it up. I quite like it when he is there. What a decision to make! Do I make it easier on myself during the time he is gone and then not have a house of our own when he returns, or tough it out in this hot, lonely house, yet keep it? Honestly, I don't want to be in this house right now, but I want it later.